12.4.06

if the internet exists in heaven...

D

ear Sweetie,

I am so sorry that this happened. I have replayed the events of 17 March over and over in my head--and each time that I trace back through that day, I see another omen that I carelessly dismissed. I see more and more choices that I could have made differently that day. Would you still be alive if I had insisted on further examination at Johns Hopkins on 16 March? Would you still be with me if I had left work early on the seventeenth, or not gone at all? Would you have died a more comfortable death if I had been there when it happened?

The fact of the matter is that you and I were both coming to terms with the cold truth that we probably weren't going to grow old together. After the damn, fucking leukemia came back for the last and final time, there was a sea change in your demeanor...not as if you had given up your fight, but as if you acknowledged death as a possibility and were no longer afraid or angry. The last Saturday of your life, when we were at the mall with my sister and her fiance, we were sitting on the bench and saw that adorable elderly couple clutching each others' hands, slowly shuffling their way through the crowd...I looked at you and said (as I had so many times before) "That's us. That will be us in fifty years." But this time, your response was different. Instead of smiling sweetly and saying, "I can't wait, babe," you gazed off in the distance and said, "I don't know, babe. I'll try." The words terrified me at once, and continue to haunt me...did you know that the end was near?

I miss you so much--as do many others. That goes without saying. But losing a spouse is different than losing an adult son, a brother, or a nephew. You and I were a team, every day and in every way. Every small life event, the errands, driving, sitting at my desk, brings back a floodlight of memories. I miss your physicality, your sense of humor, the way that you used to sing in the shower when you were having a good morning. I miss the hair on your chest and the warmth of your hands. I even miss your snoring--you could snore every night, all night if it meant that you were back with me.

Throughout the transplant and your leukemia treatment, occasionally my mind would slip to that darkest of possibilities. I must confess, the reason why we went out last July and spent $200 (that we didn't really have) at one of DC's best steakhouses for your birthday was that if your twenty-fourth was your last, I wanted it to be a damn memorable and enjoyable one. We talked often about living life to the fullest so that when our time came we could go without regret.

Even though we thought we had prepared for this by filling out our living wills and discussing final wishes a bit, there is nothing that can prepare you for losing the love of your life. I want you to know that. I never thought that I would be "okay" if you passed--but no one tells you that grief will strike you so hard it will quite literally drive you crazy. There are whole large segments of time during the week immediately following your death that I simply have no memory of. I have been in the car, driving about for errands and thought that I was in one town when I was actually in another (this is quite frustrating when one is looking for a particular business). Sometimes when I read, I see words on the page that are not there--a second examination reveals that they were only a trick of the eye, but at first glance words like "Eric," "Oahu," "love," and "cancer" are typewritten onto the page as plain as day. There is also a part of my brain which (quite illogically) believes that you'll be back for me. I haven't been able to shut off your cell phone yet, for fear that you'll need it later. I am reticent to move to North Carolina with my family, for fear that you'll come back to Maryland and not be able to find me. I acknowledged your death in the most public of ways--damn near a thousand people came to the viewings and service--but I still worry that you are too cold up on the hill, that we didn't dress you warmly enough...I still look over my shoulder sometimes at work and expect you to be walking through the front door with flowers or dinner like you used to. People think that I am strong and doing well but they don't see the forgetfulness and sleepless nights.

For the most part I am stoic on the outside--although most ironically, it was that soulless bastion of consumerism that is Wal-Mart that finally brought me to my knees. I did not cry at the funeral home or church or cemetary when we were planning your services. However, I fucking lost it in the Men's Underwear Department. Your undertaker had asked that I purchase some underwear for you to wear since my parents forgot to grab some--and I was carefully picking out the very best, combed-cotton undershirts (the ones without the scratchy tag in back) and the very nicest socks and briefs that Wally World had to offer. I think that the gravity of the whole thing hit me when I thought, "I had better pick out the most comfy stuff since he'll be wearing them a long time." More than one shopper saw me blubbering away, hunched over the blue shopping cart with a pair of men's microfiber dress socks in my hand. Clean-up on Aisle 5!!

But please don't worry--I am surrounded by so many people who care. Friends from the Air Force whom I haven't spoken with for quite some time somehow tracked down my phone number and are checking in frequently. Your parents have taken me in like I was their own daughter--I was at their house quite frequently after it happened, looking for those hereditary traits that remind me of you. Did you know that you fold your hands like your mom, or that you inherited your bear hug from your dad?

My family is working overtime to make the move to North Carolina go smoothly. I am trying to get a little house with a fenced-in yard and a dog, just like we always wanted. And my dear friends from the blogging world have posted so many tributes to you, and were profuse with their words of love and remembrance...I hope that you can see how many lives you touched.

Please know that I think of you nearly every minute, and dream of you every night. I regret not being more spiritual in the past--if I had gone to church regularly and professed my faith in a God, would I be able to communicate with you now? Where are you--were you reincarnated as a sea turtle, are you in heaven or in Nirvana or is it all a lie that they tell us to make us less frightened of death?

As much as you and I tried to live a life of no regrets, strangely enough, now I am questioning so many of my choices...except the one where I gave myself completely to you. I love you, as truly and strongly and purely as two people can love each other. Wherever you are, I hope that you can see this and know it with all of your being.

Love,
Amanda

**This is my last post at "cancer. it's not just an astrological sign anymore." I may blog at another location at a later date.**

posted by amanda @ 10:18 PM

104 Comments:

At 4/12/2006 10:59:00 PM, Blogger JustRun said...

I thank you for sharing these words, Amanda. I know you can't feel my hugs or see my tears or read my thoughts but I hope, in some impossible way, you know they're with you.

 
At 4/13/2006 07:20:00 AM, Anonymous jessica said...

That was truly beautiful. Thank you.

 
At 4/13/2006 09:06:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was amazing - you write beautifully - carry on - I can only think that it will help get you through. Try this web site merrywidow.me.uk it may also help - if only to know you are not alone. You WILL survive. x

 
At 4/13/2006 10:26:00 AM, Blogger Marisa said...

Beautiful words.

I hope that you continue to blog and have us 'follow' you to your new home.

 
At 4/13/2006 02:59:00 PM, Blogger Jackie said...

Amanda, that was beautiful, and I truly believe that Eric heard you as you typed that.
Thank you for sharing it.

Please let us know your new blog address if you chose to start writing somewhere else.

Peace

 
At 4/13/2006 03:47:00 PM, Blogger Karen said...

I don't know what to say, except that you are amazing. If and when you decide to start another blog, please let us know where we can find you.

Please take care of yourself.

 
At 4/13/2006 03:49:00 PM, Blogger Minerva said...

Amanda,

On the strength and beauty of that letter, Eric won't need the internet in Heaven to feel your love for him. Your words are beautifully honest, and so powerful in their truth...

Thank you for sharing, and please, don't go anywhere else without letting me know...

Always here for you if you need me,

Minerva

 
At 4/13/2006 04:30:00 PM, Anonymous Denise said...

I don't know what I believe in regards to death and life after, but words like these make me hopeful, Amanda.

 
At 4/13/2006 06:42:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amanda, hope as time passes you will find peace in your heart dear. My sister just lost her husband after 6 years from cancer like your Eric, so understand what you are going through. Can feel the love you had for Eric in your words, believe me he knew it and loved you back. Just take it one day at a time dear and know Eric is always in your heart and that he wants you to be happy again. God bless you.....If you decide 6to have another site, please let me know it's name, I care...God Bless you..AJ

 
At 4/13/2006 09:09:00 PM, Blogger Hothousemomma said...

That was absoutely amazing and so touching. What a beautiful soul you are. I wish you happiness in your future. You sound like a strong soul. Take your time to finding your peace again. I do believe Eric sees you and hears your words. I am sad to hear that you won't write anymore, but understand. I hope you continue to blog and again find some answers to your questions. Thank goodness for family.

 
At 4/14/2006 12:36:00 PM, Blogger Clandestine said...

i only found this blog from debutaunt.com, but i think of you often.

take care of yourself.

xoxo

 
At 4/14/2006 03:02:00 PM, Blogger The Green Family said...

Thank you for sharing that. What a beautiful tribute to the love you have (it is forever) with your husband. Please let us know if you create a new blog.
Teresa

 
At 4/14/2006 09:43:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love. True love - I can see it, feel it, in every word. May we all be so blessed to experience such love. God bless you.

 
At 4/15/2006 08:53:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amanda, I lost my fiance a little more than a year ago to colon cancer. Thank you for saying what I couldn't find the words to say myself.

 
At 4/15/2006 11:08:00 PM, Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

Amanda, this was an amazing letter. I am sobbing now. I'm just sure he felt you pouring your heart out to him in this post.

My heart aches for you. I am so sorry. I am sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.

I hope you'll leave this blog up so that others can gain inspiration and understanding from it. I hope your move to NC goes smoothly. And I hope that if you start another blog, you'll remember to let me know where to find you.

*Big hug*

Good luck, my friend.

 
At 4/16/2006 05:50:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amanda, your grandparents pointed me to your blog this afternoon. I am so sorry for your loss. If you need anything please, please let me know.

Roger

 
At 4/16/2006 09:42:00 PM, Blogger Zee said...

Amanda,

Your letter to Eric is amazing, inspiring, full of pure love, pure truth, pure strength. Moving... right down to the core. Thank you for sharing that with us.

I hope your move to NC goes smoothly, and I trust you will find comfort, and peace in days to come. Amanda, please let me know where you go, if you decide to write elsewhere again. Keep in touch.

Much love,

Zee

 
At 4/16/2006 10:17:00 PM, Blogger Anne said...

That was beautiful. I wrote a letter to my mom after she died and sometimes I go back and read it and Im not sure if its to punish myself or to remind myself of the me that remembered her better than I do now. I really wish you the best of luck and I feel for you.

 
At 4/16/2006 10:40:00 PM, Blogger Keri said...

So much love in every word. I am so glad that you shared it. Thank you, Amanda. For everything that you have shared. Best of luck in your move and in your future.

 
At 4/17/2006 04:11:00 PM, Blogger Christine said...

Amanda, I am weeping as I write this. The love you share with your husband is incredible and its memory will carry you through the hard times. Please know my thoughts are with you. And please let us know your new blogging home. You are truly an amazing person

 
At 4/19/2006 09:56:00 PM, Anonymous debutaunt said...

Amanda,

Please let me know where you roam to.

Much love,
Debs

 
At 4/19/2006 11:21:00 PM, Blogger Omni said...

I'm sorrier than I can say to read this post. :-( :-( :-(

I'm sure you did the absolute best you could for Eric, and that he doesn't blame you for any theoretically better other ways you could have done things.

I'm 40, and can't imagine being only 25 and a widow; you must feel like the life is being crushed out of you. As to what you should do now; scream, cry, grieve as hard as you can, because you have to to move forward. Eventually, rebuild your life, and make it a good one; Eric will always be with you, and nothing will make him happier than to see you find joy again.

You WILL be happy again, one day. Not soon. But one day.

xoxoxoox

Omni

 
At 4/20/2006 04:26:00 AM, Blogger shecat said...

That's so beautiful. And so sad.

 
At 4/21/2006 03:14:00 PM, Blogger bee said...

wow, amanda. the internet has never made me cry before. thank you for sharing this letter; thank you for sharing a part of your and eric's life.
good luck with the move. please let us know where you move to...
i'll be thinking of you both.
-bee.

 
At 4/22/2006 09:36:00 PM, Blogger Miss Misery said...

That was beautiful, it really was. And it probably helped you a lot. I hope you get that little house with the fence and the dog. Don't give up on your old dreams, but make some new ones too. I'll be thinking of you both.

 
At 4/24/2006 03:19:00 PM, Blogger annie said...

Even death cannot take away the love you have, and the memories are always yours to keep. One thing I can tell you is that all those good memories, one day you will be able to think of them and smile.
And don't give up your dreams.

 
At 4/24/2006 10:24:00 PM, Blogger Karen said...

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I came across you at "Being Made," a good friend's blog.

I can't even fathom the hurt you're feeling right now, but please know there are people praying for your healing all over the country.

May the Lord help you find peace with all that has happened.

 
At 4/28/2006 06:52:00 PM, Anonymous Sandee said...

So sorry for your loss :*(
I am a cancer patient too & I'm scared!

*hugs*

 
At 5/05/2006 02:47:00 AM, Anonymous Liz said...

I cannot express the sorrow that I feel for you. I think about you and Eric and how much you love each other every day and only hope that one day I find someone that means as much to me as you two do to each other. I'm so sorry to hear of Eric's passing but I know that he's looking out for you and will take care of you while you heal, however long that may take.

There are a lot of us thinking about you all around the country and we're all hoping for the best for you. Do what you need to do to grieve, and do it as hard as possible - pushing it away will only work against you.

Best wishes,
Liz

 
At 5/09/2006 12:27:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Long time lurker,

Please read Joan Didion's book, "A Year of Magical Thinking".

Good luck!

 
At 5/10/2006 01:28:00 AM, Anonymous JST said...

Just found this blog tonight. Ironically, I lost my Mother 3-17-05 to Leukemia. It is a wicked destroyer. Oh, how I hurt for you! I wish you peace.

 
At 5/14/2006 03:51:00 PM, Blogger Molly said...

This is one of the most beautiful pieces of writing about loss that I have ever read. I am so horribly sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing it and in that way, helping me in my struggle with my own, of my sister to cancer.

 
At 5/27/2006 02:41:00 AM, Anonymous JT said...

Wow. That is a powerful letter. I am openly weeping reading it because it made me realize that I need to love my husband more. I need to love him like it's our last moment on earth together. I'm so sorry for your loss. I do hope you get the dream house that you've always wanted.

Peace be with you.

 
At 5/31/2006 03:33:00 AM, Blogger harvestmoon said...

STill thinking about you Amanda. Hope you're coping and living and being. I can't imagine your loss, but I think about you and silently send you hope and strength.

 
At 6/06/2006 08:01:00 PM, Blogger Jo said...

Amanda. Who knows if you're still looking in here. I only caught the end of your story with Eric, and it was heartbreaking.

I read these words and the questions you put.

"...if I had gone to church regularly and professed my faith in a God, would I be able to communicate with you now?"

Does God exist only if we believe in him? I personally don't think he'd be God if that were so. A God dependent on what we thought about him? Or what life experiences we'd had which did or didn't lead us to 'believe'? Carl Jung had this plaque above his desk which said 'Bidden or not, God is present.'

You are communicating with Eric. God is love. You love Eric. The simple, overwhelming, love you express in these words has a power that can, and I am personally certain does, cross any divide between where he and you are. Love does not die. Why should it?

"...Wherever you are, I hope that you can see this and know it with all of your being."

And I am sure he does.

All the very very best

Jo

 
At 6/08/2006 04:45:00 AM, Anonymous la agua fresca said...

A very beautiful letter...

it really broke my heart...

big hugs,
norma
la agua fresca
http://aguafresca.healthifica.com

 
At 6/13/2006 01:07:00 PM, Anonymous Caffeinated Librarian said...

A lot of what you said struck a chord with me and reminded me of how I felt when my dad died ten years ago. And you're right, it's not the same losing a husband as it is losing a child or parent - but some things about grief are the same, regardless of the situation.

I guess what I'm saying is that you're not alone. 'Course you already know that since it sounds like you have a strong group of friends and family who have been there for you the last couple of months (for that matter, I probably told you that when I dropped by earlier). But should you need a new friendly face in NC, look me up.

I know you weren't writing for those of us have read this post, but still...thank you for the letter.

 
At 6/30/2006 09:57:00 AM, Blogger Jod{i} said...

My first stop here and I have sat and read the whole blog...
Your words have touched me...when and if you begin again, I hope I cross your path again..You have an incredible strength...
Peace to you
Jodi

 
At 7/01/2006 12:18:00 PM, Anonymous Sue said...

Thank you for leaving this blog up. This is the first time I've come across it, but I am certain your words will be of help to others.

Take care.

 
At 8/04/2006 06:47:00 PM, Blogger Vanessa said...

Words cannot say what I want to say, but that I am deeply sorry for your loss. I take your words into my heart, that I shall never take my life for granted.

 
At 8/05/2006 04:35:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

God Bless You!!!! I will keep you in my prayers in hopes that God will bring you peace, comfort and joy.

 
At 8/18/2006 04:25:00 PM, Blogger ablondeblogger said...

Amanda, you are an amazing writer. Your letter blew me away. I am bawling.

I'm going to share this letter with my husbands and make sure we take your advice.

You will be in my prayers.

 
At 8/21/2006 06:45:00 PM, Blogger Miss Magoo said...

I am so sorry to hear about the passing :( I know tere's no words that can even begin to make you feel better. You made me cry as i read this. Hugs to you.

 
At 9/12/2006 05:56:00 PM, Blogger Stacy said...

That's a beautiful tribute to your husband. I can feel your pain and only wish I could hold your had to give you some small token of comfort.

 
At 9/13/2006 01:38:00 PM, Blogger jennifer starfall said...

i'm sobbing at my desk at work; my husband and i do the same thing when old people shuffle past...

i don't know what to say.

 
At 10/23/2006 04:15:00 AM, Blogger janice_2006 said...

I am so sorry about your terrible loss to this dispicable disease, my heart aches for you.

May god richle bless you

Janice

 
At 11/01/2006 07:32:00 PM, Blogger jennster said...

i just found this.. and just read it.. and i am crying. this is the most beautiful thing that you could have written. so honest, true and loving. i hope you are doing better as you read this.

 
At 11/06/2006 08:35:00 AM, Blogger RisingSlowly said...

That was one of the most moving pieces of writing and expressions of love that I have ever come across.
It made me cry.
How wonderful a wife and friend you were and are to you dear husband. How content he must be to feel your love. He loves you so much and is still there, still around.
God bless you.
Mari

 
At 12/05/2006 11:15:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, this post tugged at my heart and made me sob like a baby. I feel I am falling into a depressive state....see I am 28, My partner is 38 and possibly facing a recurrance of breast cancer- probably mets. She has 6 palpable lymph nodes that keep getting larger. She is seeing her oncologist tomorrow. I HATE cancer. She is my life, my soul mate, and my absolute best friend. I have no idea how I can go on without her in my life. She had an aggressive form of cancer and finished treatment at Johns Hopkins less than 2 years ago. She has had a few unsual CT scans and increasing liver numbers, but this lymph node issue is making me scared to death. Sorry for my blabbering about this, but reading your post makes me not feel so completely alone in this cancer war. Thanks for posting your thoughts...you are helping others cope with this terrible circumstance.

 
At 12/22/2006 04:33:00 PM, Blogger Jo Harris said...

Amanda. Are you still reading this? I saw your post on Minerva's site and I thought of you and what you went through. And then I came back and reread this. I hope the months have been kind hon. This piece of writing remains one of the richest, realest expressions of love I have ever read. You were so blessed to have each other, and I believe such was your love you have each other still.

All the very best for Christmas.

 
At 1/04/2007 04:39:00 AM, Blogger Lucrezia said...

Very sad to read this. I was diagnossed with APL leukemia in 2004. I have recovered fully. The gene translocation is gone. After the diagnosis i radically changed my dietary habits. Perhaps this may help some one else searching for help. God be with you. Peace.

 
At 1/31/2007 12:46:00 PM, Blogger Maria said...

WOW - what a beautiful tribute to the love of your life. I was directed here by another blog I was reading and I don't know if you are still in contact with this blog or not but just felt like I had to write and wish you strength during this very difficult time in your life. No one deserves to loose their partner at such a young age.

My prayers are with you and your hubby and I am sure he felt your love when he was here and he can definately feel it now as well.

STAY SAFE and BE STRONG!

Maria (Montreal, Canada)

 
At 2/14/2007 01:39:00 PM, Anonymous bee said...

amanda, wish you strength and peace. bee

 
At 3/14/2007 08:36:00 PM, Blogger JustRun said...

Hi, Amanda. I couldn't go away for the weekend without letting you know I was thinking of you and Eric right now, as I do often, and wishing you strength and peace. Your words and your stories have inspired me over this past year and please know, your posts help many, many others.

You are in my thoughts and still now, as I said nearly a year ago, I hope in some impossible way you can feel that.

 
At 3/17/2007 10:24:00 AM, Anonymous Val said...

Posting here today to let you know that I am remembering Eric and his fight, and thinking of you as you go through this day. Thank you for letting me and all of us be part of the journey.

 
At 5/17/2007 07:07:00 PM, Anonymous Linda said...

I just found your blog and wanted to say you are in my thoughts and prayers.

God bless you and your wonderful husband and your family.

 
At 7/02/2007 06:56:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't begin to comprehend your struggle and courage. May whatever God you believe in be with you-personally, I am a believer in the afterlife, I am just sorry there is such a veil between the worlds that will continue to make you suffer.

 
At 8/23/2007 04:13:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I pray you can experience comfort as time passes (although I know he is irreplceable). I hope you can heal from the brutal disappointments you endured with the outcome of Eric's death. I am a cancer survivor, and I keep reminding myself that time is precious. God bless you, and when you're ready, may the God of comfort heal you emotionally.
Helen

 
At 8/31/2007 08:42:00 AM, Blogger Penulis said...

i am so sorry about that.... i hope you and others will be better

http://wersolucky.blogspot.com

 
At 8/31/2007 05:44:00 PM, Blogger P said...

That was a beautiful passage.
It warmed my heart.
Kind wishes.
Dr Ann Sturley
Fight Against Lung Cancer

 
At 9/26/2007 09:18:00 PM, Blogger Sandy said...

God bless you and your family. So sorry to hear about your loss. Our family is going through a sad time right now. My BIL was just diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer.

http://fightingformike.blogspot.com

 
At 11/21/2007 09:06:00 PM, Blogger Tony said...

I was just diagnosed back in May with Advanced Small Cell Lung cancer. We are very scared. I am very sorry for your loss.

Tony's Daily Blog

 
At 12/20/2007 12:45:00 AM, Anonymous lady said...

lovely blog.. i was actually searching for blogs about cancer since i started my blog about cancer just recently. i came through your blog and was really entertained and impressed with what you've got here..

Discovering Breast Cancer

 
At 2/01/2008 10:27:00 AM, Blogger Treat Cancer said...


You can treat cancer with Flavonoids!

It's easy, cheap and effective.

 
At 3/24/2008 03:59:00 AM, Anonymous straycat said...

Thanks for your sharing.It's truely

 
At 4/05/2008 07:02:00 AM, Blogger angelina said...

Excellent and simple Blog- I like this because it’s informative and simple nature. This is a great piece of work appreciable. Mean time an important issue is updations. I request you to update this blog when ever possible. We require most recent information and I am sure your blog can provide them.
.. Cancer is difficult and really dangerous illness that kills millions a year. If we can provide any help to save at least some of them- it is always nice Some times people are saying malignancy is incurable. But I have seen a website detailing that holistic treatment can cure Cancer even in 2ndry stage. You can logon to http://www.helpcure.com/cancer and know further.
What ever it is. My personal request to all of you to work and gather information regarding this subject and let others also know further. I can say you millions of people are still on earth suffering from cancers – some of them even doesn’t know what cancer is all about.
Whether this is holistic or allopathic or homeopathic I want to put and end to the sufferings of millions of less fortunate people – My heart sings for them. I request you people also join.
I Hope for the best

 
At 10/08/2008 02:27:00 AM, Anonymous xanax said...

There are specific medicines to cure your anxiety if you are suffering from it and xanax is one of the prominent anti-anxiety medicines available in the market. Similarly, to deal with erectile dysfunction, you can hold of Viagra; Paxil and Marplan are medicines to treat depression and moreover comprehensive details on all these medicines can be accessed just by logging into http://www.pill-care.com/.

 
At 3/26/2009 05:04:00 PM, Blogger spidercrunch said...

CANCER - All you will ever need to know on one website... CLICK HERE TO VISIT NOW....

 
At 3/31/2009 11:00:00 AM, Blogger Hapi said...

hello... hapi blogging... have a nice day! just visiting here....

 
At 3/31/2009 11:30:00 AM, Blogger File said...

Download Forum Poster V3 3.0 at FileAfro.com

http://www.fileafro.com/view_forum-poster-v3-30.html

 
At 4/01/2009 01:30:00 AM, Blogger Keyword said...

hello... you may submit this blog to my webBlog Directory, keyworddir.info.. have a nice day!

Keyword Directory

 
At 4/03/2009 04:00:00 PM, Blogger natasha said...

Watch Natsha Naked!

 
At 7/14/2009 11:30:00 PM, Blogger Aroma Fields said...

I'm going through pancreatic cancer treatments and found your blog. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. What you've written is so beautiful. I hope your heart is on the mend and that memories have given you a chance to smile. I'm going to try to find your ongoing blog wherever that may be.

 
At 7/15/2009 01:45:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have got a very good and unique blog.Keep up the good work.

interesting health articles

 
At 7/16/2009 02:44:00 AM, Blogger indavao said...

hi... just dropping by!
http://www.fileafro.com
http://mobileandetc.blogspot.com
http://kantahanan.blogspot.com

 
At 8/03/2009 10:30:00 PM, Blogger tagskie said...

hi.. just dropping by here... have a nice day! http://kantahanan.blogspot.com/

 
At 8/04/2009 03:12:00 AM, Anonymous Onebucks said...

Hi there. Its pity that you dont write anymore. Maybe one day you should consider writing again.

Cheers!
http://onebucks.blogspot.com

 
At 9/07/2009 04:30:00 AM, Blogger JanuskieZ said...

Hi... Looking ways to market your blog? try this: http://bit.ly/instantvisitors

 
At 9/24/2009 04:07:00 PM, Anonymous Arizona said...

The low-dose aspirin does not prevent disease or cancer or cardiovascular disease, says a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association.
The research, conducted by doctors at Brigham Women's Hospital and Harvard Medical School, both in Boston, said that until now there was the idea that there was a preventive effect of aspirin and other pain relievers, both cancer and the problems heart.

 
At 11/02/2009 07:37:00 PM, Blogger ladyashely said...

Amanda i salute you for being brave..and true to your self..your letter so very beautiful its so amazing thanks for sharing to us...
______________________
Elizabeth Wilcox

 
At 12/02/2009 04:55:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I loved your article – it was some great information. I think you and your readers might be interested in another article I found,
(Insert topic) and dry eyes.
http://whatistheeye.wordpress.com

 
At 12/29/2009 05:49:00 PM, Anonymous Brenda said...

Just read your blog with tears in my eyes. I hope you are doing better now wherever you may be.
God Bless.

Cancer Treatment and Alternative Medicine

 
At 1/15/2010 12:35:00 PM, Anonymous Simone said...

Very good!!!

 
At 1/25/2010 10:10:00 AM, Anonymous Carolina said...

Adorei o seu blog.

 
At 4/06/2010 01:10:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Buy Cialis where

Buy viagra where

Viagra online kaufen

Generic Pharmacy Online

Buy cheap acomplia

Buy cheap generic acomplia

Order cheap Albenza

Buy cheap acomplia

cheap generic acomplia

Order cheap acomplia

Cheap generic VIAGRA

 
At 4/18/2010 04:47:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

First off all I would like to thank you for that great post. It's very interesting to read your posts. As I can see, a lot of people here knows much about ED treatment maybe they can help me. For a log time I can't decide what is better: to buy viagra, to buy cialis or levitra? I found this online pharmacy no prescription to buy all this things, so can somebody help me to make a decision? IMHO I should buy viagra

 
At 6/23/2010 01:01:00 AM, Blogger garima said...

Stand Up Take Action 2010.We need you…

Globally more than 173 Million people stood up against poverty in 2009, a Guinness World Record!

Let us break this record in 2010!

Be the voice for the millions of poor people living across India.

~ Aamir Khan stood up against poverty! ~

~ AR Rahman stood up against poverty! ~

~ Rahul Dravid stood up against poverty! ~

~ Rahul Bose stood up against poverty! ~

~ Kiran Bedi stood up against poverty! ~

It is Time for You to STAND UP AGAINST POVERTY NOW!

Join us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/unmcampaignINDIA and check out the photo album section for the event pictures.

Follow us on Twitter at http://twitter.com/unmcampaignIND

 
At 8/04/2010 02:22:00 PM, Anonymous Penis Enlargement Pills said...

http://www.bestpenisproducts.com is an all-natural Penis Enlargement, safe, and guaranteed alternative to painful and dangerous Penis enlargement methods such as surgery, straps, or rings.
penis enlargement pills or male enhancement pills will immediately boost your performance, improve your orgasms, and increase the size of your penis within just a few weeks!
VISIT OUR BEST PENIS ENLARGEMENT PILLS PRODUCTS:

VIGRX PLUS PILLS
VIMAX PILLS
MALE EXTRA PILLS
MALE ENHANCEMENT PILLS

 
At 9/30/2010 07:57:00 PM, Anonymous Timmy said...

The cancer is a universal illness that affects us a lot. This illness also is very painful by what I recommend hydrocodone and lortab.

Timmy
Findrxonline.com

 
At 11/04/2010 04:26:00 PM, Blogger Judloved said...

All treatment with analgesics may be effective if the doctor determines this, but as they say in the Findrxonline Hydrocodone painkillers such that control chronic pain should be properly prescribed and that can cause nervous system problems if taken without medical prescription.

 
At 12/02/2010 03:09:00 PM, Anonymous Washington Novartis said...

Definitely one does not know until when will the pain, but only be aware that the life continues. It is important to know the positive and negative of life and at this time is only fight against what is this, perhaps asi arrive where we want. Remember that we must look after our health to achieve good results.

 
At 12/14/2010 12:35:00 AM, Blogger natural_cosmetics said...

I have been fighting with cancer since 2 long years & finally after a long research & financial struggle i have managed to get a natural and herbal based product giving me positive results in only 6 weeks. its a
Ayurveda

 
At 3/20/2011 03:06:00 AM, Anonymous jersey shore full episodes said...

Great read tahnks

 
At 4/09/2011 09:07:00 AM, Anonymous cheap viagra said...

Hey Amanda! Thanks for spreading the word!

 
At 4/14/2011 02:09:00 AM, Anonymous viagra generic said...

Great thoughts..thank you so much for sharing your unique thoughts with us!!

 
At 5/14/2011 03:51:00 AM, Anonymous Penis Enlargement Pills said...

You made some good points there. I did a search on the topic and found most people will agree with your blog.

 
At 8/01/2011 03:45:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

This is really quite interesting and informative coverage and great to part of these blog and Skin care is big problem with us. Nice info.

 
At 8/01/2011 03:46:00 AM, Anonymous Botox Newport Beach said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

This is really quite interesting and informative coverage and great to part of these blog and Skin care is big problem with us. Nice info.

 
At 10/21/2011 10:20:00 PM, Anonymous viagra sale said...

That is very good comment you shared.Thank you so much that for you shared those things with us.Im wishing you to carry on with ur achivments.All the best.

 
At 11/20/2011 05:02:00 PM, Anonymous viagra said...

Thanks for the nice blog. It was very useful for me. Keep sharing such ideas in the future as well. This was actually what I was looking for, and I am glad to came here! Thanks for sharing the such information with us.

 
At 12/13/2011 12:46:00 PM, Anonymous women and viagra said...

I am thoroughly convinced in this said post. I am currently searching for ways in which I could enhance my knowledge in this said topic you have posted here. It does help me a lot knowing that you have shared this information here freely. I love the way the people here interact and shared their opinions too. I would love to track your future posts pertaining to the said topic we are able to read.

 
At 1/06/2012 10:30:00 AM, Blogger Adam said...

Thanks for the informative writing. Would mind updating some good tips about it. I still wait your next place. ;)
buy percocet online

 
At 1/29/2012 02:10:00 PM, Blogger Maisam said...

If you want to make you free flash website I think you need free flash templates .
Free flash intos is of the best free flash effects that you need.

 
At 10/04/2012 09:19:00 AM, Blogger pyro webworld said...

P. Khurrana made more than 1000 accurate predictions which appeared in leading newspaper including Interviewed by Star News, Aaj Tak, Sahara Samey, now regularly host the show on Live India , Zee Punjabi & Big 92.7 FM Often Contact by Bollywood for muhurat of Films. Author of 30 books on astrology, numerology, vaastu, black magic, mantra, yantra, moles, dreams colours, gems.

 

Post a Comment

» Home

My Photo
Name:
Location: NC
Contact Me


Blogs of Note



Other Great Reads

Reviews



Powered by Blogger
Design by Beccary
Support by Hope IT Works







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons 2.5 License.