19.3.06

conclusion: Eric W. Shaffer, 7/21/81-3/17/06

E

ric passed away on Friday night at home at approx. 11:30 pm.

As such, this blog is closing. I hate this fucking thing. Most of all, I hate you for making me think that I had something worthwhile to say. Each of the thousands of words on these pages are moments that I should have spent with Eric. I will never get that back. Fuck this.

posted by amanda @ 8:27 AM

98 Comments:

At 3/19/2006 10:08:00 AM, Blogger Hope said...

I sit here in shock. There are no words. (((((Amanda)))))

 
At 3/19/2006 10:19:00 AM, Blogger JustRun said...

There are no words. My prayers are with you.

 
At 3/19/2006 11:49:00 AM, Blogger Keri said...

Also completely in shock. I am so sorry, Amanda. Love to you. So sorry.

 
At 3/19/2006 12:57:00 PM, Blogger Jenorama said...

So sorry.

 
At 3/19/2006 01:31:00 PM, Blogger Lisa Stone said...

Oh Amanda. I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers and thoughts. If there is anything I can do for you or your family, please let me know.

 
At 3/19/2006 01:48:00 PM, Blogger mipmup said...

i am so sorry.

 
At 3/19/2006 02:02:00 PM, Blogger Jeannette said...

Oh Amanda, I am so very sorry. Both you and Eric deserve so much more.

 
At 3/19/2006 02:06:00 PM, Anonymous Dalene said...

My heart has dropped into a puddle of sadness for you Amanda. I grieve for your loss.

 
At 3/19/2006 02:40:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you dear, know this is suh a rough time for you. Going thru this right now with our brother-in-law, so can understand your heartbreak with Eric passing. Don't give up your journal dear, you'll need a place to tell your words, your anger, your sadness, your loss and to release your pain and the journal is a good place. We'll be there for you....AJ

 
At 3/19/2006 02:58:00 PM, Blogger Karen said...

So, so sorry.

 
At 3/19/2006 03:10:00 PM, Blogger Jackie said...

Amanda, I am so sorry. I have no words.

my thoughts will be with you in the difficult days and months and years to come.

may you one day find peace

 
At 3/19/2006 07:28:00 PM, Blogger Peri said...

ouch, I'm just passing through via Joe's blog.

I'm so sorry.... my mother died of cancer at age 23 when I was four....... I think of her everyday and miss her.

God bless you.

 
At 3/19/2006 08:11:00 PM, Blogger MacGirl said...

I came across your blog via being made's (a good friend). . .
I am so sorry. I know it all must really suck.

 
At 3/19/2006 09:08:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Peace be with you. The world is a better place because of people like Eric . . . and you. God bless you.

 
At 3/19/2006 09:54:00 PM, Blogger Sandy said...

I am so very sorry. I wish I had more to offer than words that must sound so hollow right now.

My prayers are with you and your family.

 
At 3/19/2006 10:22:00 PM, Blogger Miss Misery said...

Oh my gosh Amanda, I'm so sorry for your lost, words can't even begin to express how you must be feeling..

But please don't think this was a mistake, every word you said raised awareness for cancer, your words reached and touched many people. You did have something worthwhile to say, and we all heard it.

I'm so sorry again, but this blog wasn't a mistake, please don't give up on your beliefs...

 
At 3/19/2006 10:38:00 PM, Blogger j.a.g. said...

I am very sorry for your loss, Amanda.
Your blog offered so much to those of us who have no idea how difficult it must be to have someone in the family with cancer.
Your blog has offered everyone who read it a tiny glimpse and we all have learned so much from you.

 
At 3/19/2006 10:46:00 PM, Blogger Karen Rani said...

Oh Amanda,
I'm so so very sorry. Words can't even begin to express.
Jess is right. You have offered hope upon hope for others. Peace to Eric, to you and to everyone affected by his life.
Love Karen

 
At 3/19/2006 11:42:00 PM, Blogger Suburban Turmoil said...

Amanda. My heart goes out to you. You gave so many people comfort and hope and equally as important, pure commiseration.

I'll be praying for you and your family. Stay strong.

 
At 3/20/2006 12:48:00 AM, Anonymous Cary said...

I hate this fucking thing.

You know how much I hate this fucking thing.

 
At 3/20/2006 12:58:00 AM, Blogger Lori Miller said...

Oh God. I know there is nothing I can say that can even remotely express my sorrow for your loss.

I could not agree more with your closing words, "Fuck this."

I view your blog as a honor towards Eric and therapy for you.

I am not you, I know nothing.

Eric, no more pain.

 
At 3/20/2006 01:05:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This. What you did here. Has and will help more people then you will ever know. I wish you strength and support. You have already helped me.

 
At 3/20/2006 02:40:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry.

 
At 3/20/2006 08:08:00 AM, Blogger Marisa said...

I don't know what to say...there is nothing I can say. I sit here in disbelief.

How? Why?

Cancer fucking sucks.

May Eric rest in peace.

 
At 3/20/2006 09:18:00 AM, Anonymous Pam in FL said...

I've read every word in this blog and your latest entry has brought tears to my eyes. You have my most heartfelt sympathy. Thank you for sharing your life with me. Your words spoke of the love for your husband and your strength and courage. You have made a difference in the lives of many people.

May your memories be a blanket of comfort to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Pam

 
At 3/20/2006 09:20:00 AM, Anonymous Trish said...

Amanda,

Words cannot express how sorry I am. My thoughts are with you. I only wish I could do more.

Trish

 
At 3/20/2006 12:52:00 PM, Anonymous Beth M said...

I found this blog today and I am saddened by your loss. May God give you peace.

Know that Eric is once again whole.

 
At 3/20/2006 03:45:00 PM, Blogger Sassy said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Sassy

 
At 3/20/2006 05:21:00 PM, Blogger Jodi said...

I sit here with tears, I am so sorry.

 
At 3/20/2006 05:45:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amanda,
You've both touched and made a difference to so many, including me.
I'm so very sorry.

 
At 3/20/2006 06:48:00 PM, Blogger Von Krankipantzen said...

I am just so sorry. This is so unbelievably sad. My heart aches for your loss.

 
At 3/20/2006 09:40:00 PM, Blogger Zee said...

Amanda, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Hugs... I send my thought and prayers to you, that you may find the strength to carry you through this. It's painful, and I'm heartbroken -you might not know it, but you have helped countless others by giving your cause a voice, by providing courage to those who wish to help in some way but fall short, by giving strenght to those who continue to fight this battle...

So many ways, Amanda, and all because of your words. You made a difference. I'm so sorry for your loss.

 
At 3/20/2006 11:46:00 PM, Blogger harvestmoon said...

Oh Amanda. My heart is in my throat. I simply cannot believe it. I honestly have no words. I am so very very sorry.

I wish there was something I could do; something concrete and real, but all I can do is send love through this box.

Words are so empty...

Much love. I know my thoughts will be with you for a very long time to come.

 
At 3/21/2006 08:57:00 AM, Anonymous jessica said...

If only there were magical words that could take it all away. Know that we are thinking of you, and praying that God give you strength.

 
At 3/21/2006 12:10:00 PM, Blogger Mocha said...

Amanda,

It was time, yes. Not a waste. You've offered an incredible amount to this Life for many people. Know that you are being held up in prayer and that your lives affected others.

 
At 3/21/2006 12:11:00 PM, Blogger [Mat] said...

God..

that's awful. Horrible, bigger than any words can say.

I don't know you and I extend all my best wishes to you and your family.

It's really horrible. And I'm deeply sorry.

 
At 3/21/2006 08:45:00 PM, Blogger magnetbabe said...

Amanda-
I am so sorry. You and your blog have helped me and so many others through the darkest times in our lives. Please know that we are here to do the same for you. You are in my thoughts.
~Natalie

 
At 3/21/2006 09:13:00 PM, Blogger Runner Girl FL said...

Amanda,
I'm sorry.
Jill

 
At 3/21/2006 10:15:00 PM, Blogger annie said...

I am so sorry!

Take care of yourself, sweetie.

 
At 3/22/2006 12:21:00 AM, Anonymous debutaunt said...

A - I know it will be a while, but please don't go. You have meant so much to me. Your words have meant so much to me. Your encouragement has meant so much to me. And your love for Eric means so much. My heart breaks for you. Aches so much right now. I will fight this fucking cancer with everything I have. I fucking hate it. I hate that Eric is gone. I hate that your heart is breaking. I'm so fucking angry. I'm so sad. Please don't go.

You will always have a home in Texas if you are ever here. Keep up the running and fighting and I will try to do the same.

I love you, dear heart. I love Eric. Please take care and know that I hold you in my heart tonight and many nights to come.

Much love and sadness.

Debs

 
At 3/22/2006 12:50:00 AM, Blogger islaygirl said...

I"m here via deb's site, and just wanted to leave my condolences. holding you in my prayers.

 
At 3/22/2006 12:57:00 AM, Anonymous Ashley said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. I just had to tell you that, even though I don't know you and you don't know me.

This whole thing just hits very close to home.

 
At 3/22/2006 01:26:00 AM, Blogger Busy Mom said...

I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

 
At 3/22/2006 08:29:00 AM, Blogger abcd said...

I am so very sorry for your loss.
Nothing I can say will make this
better for you. I do know your
blog has helped many people. I came here via Debutant. She loves
you. I hope in time you will see
your blog was a loving testimony
to your husband, and others. The
courage you both have, the love,
and devotion. We will keep you
and all your families in our
prayers.

Nikki and the sisters.

 
At 3/22/2006 09:07:00 AM, Blogger Clandestine said...

you have all of my sympathy and all of the love i can send.

i am so so sorry for your unbelievable loss.

 
At 3/22/2006 09:38:00 AM, Blogger salcam said...

Amanda,

I'm here thourgh Deb although I've lurked before. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers go to you and Eric.

I am so very sorry.

 
At 3/22/2006 10:24:00 AM, Blogger patti_cake said...

Amanda,
I am so very sorry also. Cancer sucks. Blessed Be, honey, Blessed Be.

 
At 3/22/2006 11:56:00 AM, Anonymous Philosophical Karen said...

I am here via Deb. I'm so sorry. Tears for you.

 
At 3/22/2006 12:04:00 PM, Blogger Aron said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Take care. ~ Sharon

 
At 3/22/2006 12:16:00 PM, Anonymous Steph said...

I am so sorry.

All I can say that your blog did a wonderful job honoring your husband, and I feel privileged "knowing" you. Thanks for sharing your journey with us and I just wish to heavens that it had worked out better for you both.

 
At 3/22/2006 12:35:00 PM, Anonymous amirah said...

i am so sorry.

 
At 3/22/2006 03:20:00 PM, Blogger Crazy Lady said...

No words can ease your heart right now. But I am sorry, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

 
At 3/22/2006 03:28:00 PM, Blogger Kimberly said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

 
At 3/22/2006 07:58:00 PM, Blogger eclectic said...

I found you through Debutaunt. I'm so, so very sorry for this conclusion. I wish you enduring memories to bring you peace as you heal.

 
At 3/22/2006 08:02:00 PM, Blogger moxiemomma said...

amanda, words seem so useless at a time like this. i am just so sorry for your loss and hope that you will be buoyed by your love for eric and all those who have loved you both.

 
At 3/22/2006 08:25:00 PM, Anonymous M&Co. said...

Peace.

 
At 3/22/2006 10:36:00 PM, Blogger biscuit said...

really sorry for your loss.. but know that eric is now with sarah (http://swlf.blogspot.com/) eating m&m's and watching over all of us.
my thoughts are with you and your family.
peace be with you..
biscuit

 
At 3/23/2006 02:27:00 PM, Blogger harvestmoon said...

I'm thinking about you today; 1pm my time; 2pm your time. I wish you strength to get through the service, hope for the future (though it must seem impossible at this time) and simply a brief cessation of the unimaginable grief.

I cannot imagine, I can't understand, I can't help (I actually tried to send flowers to the funeral home but it's a lot harder to do from Mexico...enjoy my virtual flowers) but I can send positive energy and hope eastwards.

Empty actions, possibly. But I can't think of anything else.

I'm still so terribly sorry. It isn't fair. It isn't right. That should be enough to keep it from being true. I so wish it were.

Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Hope. Love. Fuck Cancer. Love. Love. Love. Love. Hope. Love. Love. Love. Fuck Cancer. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Hope.

 
At 3/23/2006 08:44:00 PM, Blogger Cordaville said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers

 
At 3/23/2006 10:44:00 PM, Blogger Caffeinated Librarian said...

You don't know me from Eve and I don't know you - and there's absolutely no reason for you to listen to a word I say.

But ten years ago I lost my dad and it was both the worst and best thing to ever happen to me. The worst because of all the pain I felt that day and for so many days thereafter; the best because it was the beginning of the new life I have now.

If I could give you any advice that you might take I would say: feel what you feel. Be mad: be mad at Eric, be mad at cancer, be mad at God, be mad at the doctors, be mad at the blog, be mad at whatever you wish. But please, please, please don't stay that way. I didn't know your husband but I'm betting he loved you and that's not the future he would wish for you.

As for the rest, do what you have to do. If the blog is a comfort keep it; if not, let it go. But take care of yourself, please.

May hope and comfort find you in the darkest of all places.

-CL

 
At 3/24/2006 02:22:00 AM, Anonymous Susan said...

Hello Amanda,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm looking at that very sweet picture of you and Eric (ah, such a smile), as I write this and,...I don't know what to say. There is nothing that anyone can say to make you feel better now, but,...I don't think that you will regret this blog. You did it out of love for Eric and that can only be a good thing. You loved him. It sounds so simple, but it means more than anything in the world. He didn't get to live as long as he should have, but he was lucky that he had you. Through all your pain, just keep thinking of that love. You two built your lives together with that love and even the cancer can't erase that. It will still be there, fifty years from now. Take care, Amanda.

 
At 3/24/2006 05:49:00 AM, Blogger Cancergiggles said...

I don't often find it difficult to find words. Now I do.

My very best wishes and love.
Cass

 
At 3/24/2006 09:16:00 AM, Blogger ~KC~ said...

My condolesence to you and your family. I was just directed to your blog because my family is dealing with Cancer and there isn't much hope left. I have barely started to read and I am already affected by your story.

My sincerest sympathies Amanda. For whatever it is worth coming from a stranger. You will be in my prayers and heart.

KC

 
At 3/24/2006 11:02:00 AM, Blogger Kami said...

((((HUGS))))

 
At 3/24/2006 11:07:00 AM, Blogger MommyMe said...

May you find peace.

 
At 3/24/2006 11:07:00 AM, Blogger Tammy said...

I am so sorry for your loss. ((HUGS))

 
At 3/24/2006 04:06:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please do not stop your writing. You have such talent, such a unique voice. Your words have helped so many people. I know they have helped me.

Take care.

 
At 3/24/2006 07:42:00 PM, Blogger Minerva said...

Oh Amanda,

I have just come out of hospital myself and heard this news today and I am so very very sorry that I wasn't here for you...

We are here, and we are always here, at the moment, we are here for your anger at Eric being taken from you, and we will be here when you decide, in that wonderful, take no prisoners way of yours, that you want to write through the rage and the hurt. Eric was always proud of you, of the accolades you received for your writing, and for the way that you, and he, changed the way cancer is looked at - the 'no bullshit' approach to it...which you have always been a champion of...

Words are trite messengers, and I only want to say that I am holding you close tonight, that you and Eric are in my thoughts constantly and that I will always be here for you, if you need me,

Minerva

 
At 3/24/2006 08:22:00 PM, Anonymous Dan said...

Amanda,

I too just got out of the hospital and learned of your loss. I am so so sorry for your loss. Words cannot describe.

Dan Any Day Above Ground Is A Good One

 
At 3/24/2006 11:49:00 PM, Blogger Barbara said...

I am sorry. I hope you find peace.

 
At 3/24/2006 11:57:00 PM, Blogger barbschellenberg said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that my words will not bring Eric back, but please know that you will be in my prayers in the weeks and months to come. Hugs from Barb in Canada.

 
At 3/25/2006 12:44:00 AM, Anonymous Dan said...

Amanda-

I am sorry for your loss. I understand your anger and your pain, as I was in a very similar position almost five years ago, when Gee lost her fight with pancreatic cancer, at 33. I hope that time gives you the healing that it has brought me. If you want to talk, scream, rant, rave, cry, or need someone to listen, please drop me a note.

Dan.

 
At 3/25/2006 12:43:00 PM, Blogger Joe said...

Amanda - my first visit...(directed across here from Minerva). And to read this...

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry. I hope and pray there are people near you on whom you can cry and rail and let your grief out. And/or do it here, when you're ready, if it helps at all - one day...

God bless you hon. I can see how big your love was. And love never dies. Never ever.

 
At 3/25/2006 02:29:00 PM, Blogger cmhl said...

I am so sorry, Amanda.

 
At 3/25/2006 07:41:00 PM, Anonymous Kris said...

I don't know what to say other than I am so sorry.

 
At 3/26/2006 06:38:00 AM, Blogger Cheryl said...

OMG I never even saw your blog until today, came here from Joe's which has linked you.

Every minute you spent on here was faith that things were moving forward, not just your faith but your husband's too. Every minute on here was a sign of hope, a spark of normal life, and a permanent record of your life together.

I am so,so sorry.

Please, whatever you do, know that there is a chance that someone else in the same situation won't have to feel as lonely and persecuted as you do now, because of finding your blog. That they won't feel like the whole world has singled them out for a beating, or that theres not a soul in the world could begin to understand.

I can't imagine the shock you are in, but I'm crying for trying to. Dear God.

Deepest Sympathy.

 
At 3/26/2006 11:50:00 AM, Anonymous Terri said...

Words are so inadequate at a time like this. I just wanted you to know I'm also thinking of you. My deepest condolences on your loss of Eric and in time, may you find comfort in all the wonderful memories of your time here with Eric.

 
At 3/26/2006 04:00:00 PM, Blogger bee said...

i've never commented here before but i have read. i'm so sorry for your loss. i know those words might very well be meaningless to you, as they won't bring your husband back, but my hearet is absolutely aching for you.

 
At 3/26/2006 08:57:00 PM, Anonymous Debbie said...

My his soul rest in peace. Even thou you feel betrayed,empty,lonely and upset the Lord will walk with you all the way. Put your faith in him and you someday will be in peace. My Deepest Sympathy

 
At 3/26/2006 11:56:00 PM, Blogger kenju said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you will come to feel more kindly toward your blog. I suspect it made life a little more bearable for you. Take care.

 
At 3/27/2006 12:46:00 AM, Blogger harvestmoon said...

Sucks that life seems to go on. The world has stopped in its tracks, yet people are out there, leading their lives as if Nothing Has Happened? How is it that they can't see that the world has come to an abrupt stop??? What is wrong with the world?

Amanda, I hope you are able to read some of the comments and above all, hope that something that someone says resonates and brings you that tiny touch; that small inkling of a ray of hope or sunshine or simply a "yes" that you have brought us in spades.

I'm so terribly sorry. And I'm astounded that the world continues to spin...

 
At 3/27/2006 06:52:00 AM, Anonymous Shelly said...

Amanda,
I know no words can truly comfort you. Time heals some...fond memories and laughter can heal the rest.

Just know that you are in my thoughts and meditations.

 
At 3/27/2006 01:21:00 PM, Anonymous Tanilan said...

Words cannot describe the pain that you feel right now. And none of our words will provide comfort and understanding. But know that your blog made a difference in a lot of people's lives. It did mine! We lost my father-in-law this past September to cancer and we are still dealing with the pain and not understanding. All we can do is ask God for peace and understanding. He doesn't always answer when we want him too, but he is always, always right on time.

 
At 3/27/2006 01:25:00 PM, Blogger G-Man said...

You deserve to be angry; as well, you deserve to someday have peace. I have drifted to your website with my own issues related to cancer. All I can say is that I am sorry for your tremendous loss and knowing, as I say this, that words are not enough.

 
At 3/29/2006 02:09:00 AM, Blogger mar said...

I am so sorry. First time here, Minerva directed me. I know it doesn't help a bit, but I am very sorry.

 
At 3/29/2006 03:48:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

still thinking of you and hope you are doing as best as you can. I hope you post again :)

 
At 3/30/2006 10:54:00 PM, Blogger Christine said...

I came across your blog from Michele's blogroll. You are an amazing person. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that a stranger's thoughts and prayers are with you.

 
At 4/10/2006 01:42:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Grief is like a desert. One cannot avoid it, walk around it or even fly over it. One has to face the need to accept it, to walk through it suffering the dust, the dirt, the thirst and the unbearable loneliness. You must believe that your faith will enable you to complete this journey in God's good time. And you must believe that when you reach the end of the desert, the sun will still be shining, the birds will still be singing, the rivers will still be flowing and the grass will still be green. May God bless you and temper you into even finer spiritual steel, so that you may be able to help others in their despair by raising their eyes to the hills.

 
At 4/16/2006 09:46:00 PM, Blogger Anne said...

Oh Amanda..I am so very sorry. I am praying for you.

 
At 4/17/2006 08:13:00 AM, Anonymous 3carnations said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have no idea what you are feeling now, or how to get through it, but know that your husband is in a better place, and that the pain is gone, and he is watching over you. Cherish the memories you made together.

 
At 4/25/2006 06:03:00 AM, Blogger Karlos said...

Losing someone to cancer is a gut-wrenching experience. I lost a best friend in 1986 and my mom on November 15th, 2004. My mom’s passing still hurts, I’m still angry, and I still look back and think of the time I spent doing this and that when I should’ve been with her (She was in California; I’m in Texas).

In the end, I was with her for her last 10 days, 24hours a day, and was holding her in my arms when she passed. The night before she died, I told her that it was okay for her to go if she was ready; that I was okay with it; that I wasn’t crying. It’s been 2.5 years and I still cry, I still miss her terribly, and I’m still angry at whatever/whomever decided to take her from me and end her life when she had so much left to offer.

Like you, I kept an extensive typed journal (not online, though I will post it all one day). And like you, I felt bad about spending time typing it when I should’ve been sitting next to her, spending every waking moment of my time with her. In retrospect, I think the venting helped me cope with the hurt and anger a little better.

I still feel angry, and I still hurt about it all. I still wish she was with me and that I was with her, but I’m slowly (very slowly) coming to realize that she is, as she said a month before her passing, always going to be with me. She is. And, while I’m stuck here on earth in the mortal world, she’s in a much better place, with so much less to hassle with and worry about.

Now I’m going take my tears and get ready to work.

 
At 4/27/2006 08:43:00 AM, Blogger Viv said...

Amanda, you don't know me from a hole in the wall, but I just wanted to say this.....Firstly I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful husband; and secondly just do whatever you have to do to survive....and you WILL survive honey. The pain won't lessen, but you'll learn how to give it a place to live.

Thank you so much for sharing Eric with us. It's been an honour.

Viv (UK)

 
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At 3/18/2011 12:00:00 AM, Anonymous Dean said...

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At 10/04/2012 09:21:00 AM, Blogger pyro webworld said...

P. Khurrana made more than 1000 accurate predictions which appeared in leading newspaper including Interviewed by Star News, Aaj Tak, Sahara Samey, now regularly host the show on Live India , Zee Punjabi & Big 92.7 FM Often Contact by Bollywood for muhurat of Films. Author of 30 books on astrology, numerology, vaastu, black magic, mantra, yantra, moles, dreams colours, gems.

 

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