n recent times, a new and confusing development has occurred. We've gotten through the most difficult phase of Hubby's treatment no worse for the wear. His hair and rosy color have come back; and people are no longer able to tell that he's been in cancer treatment just by looking at him. I've been back at work for about two months now; Hubby doesn't even need to go to the doctor every week now. We have so much to be grateful for.

So why do I feel so dead inside? In trying to return to normalcy after leaving Johns Hopkins, I attacked everything in my life head-on. I dove back into work, desparate to prove myself to those who were offended about taking three months of medical leave so soon after starting my new position. I made sure that Hubby was properly tagged and had his medical records readily available at all times. I drove him to a hospital two hours away for his blood transfusions at the bidding of our insurance company. I was taking charge and kicking ass.

And now...I just don't care. I don't care about my job--going through the motions has become the order of the day. I haven't been keeping up with friends and family like I know I should. The apartment's getting dirty, I wore the same shirt to work three days in a row (it was my uniform shirt, but I never used to do this)...I know that I should take care of this stuff, but I just think, "Eh!? So what..."

I find myself undertaking so many daily tasks at this time under this mindless haze...

posted by amanda @ 3:18 PM


At 1/29/2006 06:40:00 PM, Blogger Minerva said...

One word darling...STRESS..

You have been so under stress for so long..remember to look after yourself.. Stop expending the energy on others and take some time out for YOU!


At 1/29/2006 08:59:00 PM, Blogger Carmi said...

It's OK to feel the need to go slack for a bit. You've both been through a seriously traumatic time. It's unrealistic to expect that you won't have feelings like this going forward.

You're human. It's OK to let things pile up for a bit while you adjust to a new reality. Now you have the time to let it happen.

At 1/29/2006 10:17:00 PM, Blogger Being Made said...

In a different situation, I know... but I'm right there with you. Some days the fog lifts and others I'm just staggering through the day.

It's still a new normal. I agree with Minerva--be kind to yourself.

At 1/30/2006 05:00:00 PM, Blogger Lee said...

hey there amanda, found you through Denise and just wanted to add real quick (I'm at work - like that matters)....my partner went through breast cancer almost 5 years ago, treatment was all surgical and I remember quite distinctly how draining and exhausting it was to be the caregiver, I also remember feeling guilty for feeling tired and wanting a break...the best thing you can do for both of you (IMO) is to step away for a second every now and then and regroup...you've been superwoman now it's time to just be you ;) I'll have to come back this evening once I get home and can look around more closely!

At 2/03/2006 02:25:00 PM, Blogger annie said...

Darling, those are all classic signs of depression!
You've been through a lot, and the stress, wow, I can't imagine. Even if things are looking up, and you really know you have things to be grateful for, it doesn't mean your feelings magically fall into place.
Take care of yourself.


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