In recent times, a new and confusing development has occurred. We've gotten through the most difficult phase of Hubby's treatment no worse for the wear. His hair and rosy color have come back; and people are no longer able to tell that he's been in cancer treatment just by looking at him. I've been back at work for about two months now; Hubby doesn't even need to go to the doctor every week now. We have so much to be grateful for.
So why do I feel so dead inside? In trying to return to normalcy after leaving Johns Hopkins, I attacked everything in my life head-on. I dove back into work, desparate to prove myself to those who were offended about taking three months of medical leave so soon after starting my new position. I made sure that Hubby was properly tagged and had his medical records readily available at all times. I drove him to a hospital two hours away for his blood transfusions at the bidding of our insurance company. I was taking charge and kicking ass.
And now...I just don't care. I don't care about my job--going through the motions has become the order of the day. I haven't been keeping up with friends and family like I know I should. The apartment's getting dirty, I wore the same shirt to work three days in a row (it was my uniform shirt, but I never used to do this)...I know that I should take care of this stuff, but I just think, "Eh!? So what..."
I find myself undertaking so many daily tasks at this time under this mindless haze...
posted by amanda @ 3:18 PM