cancer. it's not just an astrological sign anymore.

normalcy? nah...

so hubby and i had our discharge class this morning, where the nurses go over a booklet about what to expect and do when we get home from baltimore. it was a little less than uplifting. some excerpts, as we understood them:

1) don't hang out with, or in the general vicinity of, children under the age of twelve. they are little, indiscriminate, germ-laden w.m.d's.
2) don't use the same hand towel as anyone else in your family. use paper towels whenever possible. in fact, you should think about buying stock in a local paper company, and go ahead and use a roll of bounty when you get out of the shower each day. remember, anything that you use more than once harbors germs, so if they invent single-use toothbrushes, razors, deodorants, etc., we expect you to be first in line.
3) you should always use condoms during sex, even if you are monogamous and disease-free. in fact, you might want to use more than one. and go ahead and slap a biohazard sticker on your penis before you penetrate. never hurts to be too safe!
4) avoid sun exposure, as even a mild sunburn can trigger severe, explosive graft-versus-host-disease. don't go out during the day, wear at least spf 30, and forget about golfing or the beach. THAT'S RIGHT--THE SUN CAN KILL YOU!! AVOID THE SUN AT ALL COSTS!!
5) (related to #4) avoid garlic, wooden stakes to the heart, and crucifixes.
6) don't be downwind of a mexican alpaca on the 23rd of june.
7) wrap all movie seats, restaurant chairs, and mall benches in plastic wrap before being seated. if you have a vat of anti-bacterial gel with you, spray down the seat too. oh yeah, get in the habit of strapping a vat of that stuff on your back before you head out the door. what we want to emphasize is being careful.

is a regular life too much to ask for?

posted by amanda @ 1:44 PM