contradictionsmy experience with cancer has changed me in many ways, both predictable and unforeseen.
i am strong and bad-ass. i am more sure of myself than i have ever been before. if i can handle everything that's been thrown at me since february, what's to worry about the mundane, everyday life? that's right...NOTHING.
but...i doubt myself everyday when it comes to caring for my husband. whenever he gets nausea or a headache (which have been coming fast and furious lately), there is a voice coming from deep inside that suggests that it was my fault that he got sick; that i must have not taken care of him the right way.
i am not scared of dying. i've been faced with mortality each time we filled out hospital paperwork that asked hubby to designate next-of-kin, each time one of the people we met at the clinic got really sick and then stopped coming, and when we filled out our advanced directives in case there was a Terri Schiavo-like situation. i know that when the time comes, i will have done my best to pack as many experiences into the time that i had, and will go with no regrets.
but...i am terrified every day of losing my husband, who is the only person on this earth who knows me wholly and completely. i can't imagine that there is another man out there who is such a good compliment to me.
i am a modern woman. i have been the breadwinner for the duration of our marriage. it's been my job that supplied us with the health insurance, base transfer, and paid leave that have allowed us to get through the transplant with as few bumps as possible. hubby followed me and my job, instead of the other way around.
but...i still try my best to be a happy homemaker for him. i've been busy expanding my limited cooking skills, cooking new and delicious high-calorie, gourmet dinners each night in an attempt to tempt him to eat when his appetite is waning. homemade chicken soup? scones for breakfast? 16-oz. steak with a homemade marsala wine-mushroom sauce? anything you want, dear!
what a rollercoaster ride this has been.
posted by amanda @ 10:31 PM