7.11.05

contradictions

my experience with cancer has changed me in many ways, both predictable and unforeseen.

i am strong and bad-ass. i am more sure of myself than i have ever been before. if i can handle everything that's been thrown at me since february, what's to worry about the mundane, everyday life? that's right...NOTHING.

but...i doubt myself everyday when it comes to caring for my husband. whenever he gets nausea or a headache (which have been coming fast and furious lately), there is a voice coming from deep inside that suggests that it was my fault that he got sick; that i must have not taken care of him the right way.

i am not scared of dying. i've been faced with mortality each time we filled out hospital paperwork that asked hubby to designate next-of-kin, each time one of the people we met at the clinic got really sick and then stopped coming, and when we filled out our advanced directives in case there was a Terri Schiavo-like situation. i know that when the time comes, i will have done my best to pack as many experiences into the time that i had, and will go with no regrets.

but...i am terrified every day of losing my husband, who is the only person on this earth who knows me wholly and completely. i can't imagine that there is another man out there who is such a good compliment to me.

i am a modern woman. i have been the breadwinner for the duration of our marriage. it's been my job that supplied us with the health insurance, base transfer, and paid leave that have allowed us to get through the transplant with as few bumps as possible. hubby followed me and my job, instead of the other way around.

but...i still try my best to be a happy homemaker for him. i've been busy expanding my limited cooking skills, cooking new and delicious high-calorie, gourmet dinners each night in an attempt to tempt him to eat when his appetite is waning. homemade chicken soup? scones for breakfast? 16-oz. steak with a homemade marsala wine-mushroom sauce? anything you want, dear!

what a rollercoaster ride this has been.

posted by amanda @ 10:31 PM

4 Comments:

At 11/08/2005 12:43:00 AM, Blogger Jackie said...

Hi,
I am not going to say that I know what you are feeling, because I don't. All I know is, that I am a newly wed as well (married for a year and 5months) and I can't imagine how scared you must be at the thought of loosing your husband, I know that I am scared to lost mine to illness, and he's not sick.
I'm really sorry for what you are going through, but I hope that with the recent test results, you will never have to go through this again. He is a very lucky guy to have you in his life :)

 
At 11/08/2005 02:47:00 PM, Blogger Hope said...

There are no words. (((((hugs to you and your hubby))))

 
At 11/14/2005 11:43:00 AM, Anonymous Real Cancer, Real Lives #6 said...

[...] Being a caregiver is an awesome responsibility. Amanda at Cancer. It's Not Just an Astrological Sign Anymore. shares her feelings about facing her husband's cancer. [...]

 
At 11/19/2005 08:17:00 PM, Anonymous Dee said...

Hi Amanda,

I've just read some of your blog posts, with tears running down my face.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in July this year, at 29 years old, and am now having chemotherapy.
It was the biggest shock of my life, and so many things you've said here, ring true with me..

The fact I may never be able to have children. Even though I hadn't really planned on having any, when you're told you may well not be able to, your views seem to change.

You also mentioned something in one of your posts, about some of the comments people make, sounding like they're invalidating how you're feeling.
Every time someone tells me "you'll be fine as llong as you stay positive", or "keep your chin up", I actually want to slap them now.
You need to know that it's ok to feel how you do, not be told to pull yourself together.

Much love to you & your hubby.
Dee
xxx

 

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