i am so fucking sick of my life right now.

the word "quitting" isn't right, but it's the first word that comes to mind.

hubby's counts are steadily dropping. he is now just hovering above neutropenia. what was supposed to be a brief morning checkup at the clinic has turned into an all-day chill-out with the nurses as he gets two units of whole blood transfused.

the 2-week respite of actually being able to go out in public without a mask is over. i have a week of the clinic and apartment (and sterilizing EVERYTHING) to look forward to.

my supervisors at work have continued in their fine tradition of being the most insensitive boors this side of the atlantic.

balancing work and eric's care was relatively easy in hawaii. it was tough not having family there, but the people i worked for stepped in nicely. i was never expecting it to be as easy at my new post. after all, i did basically use a government transfer to a new base to move my family closer to better medical care.

i don't feel guilty about this and i never will. any one of my colleagues would have done exactly the same thing if they were living in an area where a necessary treatment was not available (there are no bone marrow transplant centers in hawaii).
but i can see how it might ruffle the feathers of a supervisor a bit ('she's not really committed to this base,' 'she doesn't really want to be here,' etc.)

but my supers at my new post are making the transplant into so much more of nightmare than it needs to be.

when i first told my direct super about the transplant schedule, he had the nerve to say, "this doesn't fit in with my staffing plan...can you see if JH will reschedule?"

after i told him that i would be able to work 1 day a week after the transplant (hubby is required by his protocol to have a 24-hour caregiver with him), his response was, "can't you give anything more?"

but what happened on friday really took the cake.

i am close to using up the last of my paid leave. after completely exhausting my own leave (both sick and vacation), i am fortunate enough to have a program with my employer where i can sign up for leave donations from friends and coworkers all over the world.

hubby and i were really counting on this--we have no other income, and we still have our regular monthly expenses, plus copays, plus our health insurance premium (through my work, but i have to pay my share out-of-pocket if i am not earning enough money to cover the cost of my share).

supers call me on friday with some ancient rule about having to keep 80 hours of sick leave that doesn't even apply in this case. tell me that they will not accept my current timesheet, and that they were not aware of any policy that states otherwise.

sent them my paperwork from personnel to no avail. now i am not even sure if i am getting paid for this pay period, or if i will be able to apply for a donation once mine is exhausted.

to top it all off, i found out that a coworker of mine who just came off of sick leave for having a baby was able to apply for leave donation without issue.

why do they have to fuck with me so much? this is fucking stressful enough as it is without worrying about work shit.

posted by amanda @ 1:21 PM


At 10/18/2005 06:56:00 PM, Blogger Hope said...

I don't know what to say. I have been reading your blog since last week. Not sure how I found it. I will be lifting up your needs in prayer. I am not trying to offend you....just know that some person off in northern Canada is thinking of you and praying.

At 10/18/2005 10:15:00 PM, Blogger amanda said...

you didn't offend me.

thanks for the prayers--there ought to be more people like you in this world.

At 10/19/2005 11:46:00 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

Blessings to you during this trying time. It won't make your situation any easier, but remember that God absolutely will not give you more than you can handle and He will work all things for good. I'll be praying for your husband's recovery and your job situation. Peace!


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